Holding Space
August 22, 2011
Words by Jess
I woke up angry today, super angry. I’m not sure if you know that anger where you just want to throw a brick through a window, it’s like that. Some days, and I really I don’t know why my emotions run a little hot and cold, it just happens. Do I really want to spend an entire day feeling this way? No not really but I also don’t want to push it away as there must be a pretty good reason it’s here. There are no thoughts involved, more of a heavy uneasy feeling. Sometimes these big emotions just come and gatecrash the party. For me there’s often not a reason, well there probably is I’m just not sure what it is. Maybe it’s because it’s a full moon, or a Monday or the morning, but rather than waste time trying to figure it out I am going to say hello, ask it in for coffee, then send it on its way.
I’ve found the best thing for me when I’m angry, is it to move. I get up, put on whatever happens to be lying on the floor making up for what’s not there with various parts of my pyjamas, grab my ipod and head out the door. Sometimes I will go to a combat class, pretending to punch things helps. A few years ago after several bottles of wine, a friend and I in a rather aggrieved state punched some trees in the centre of Wellington. Ignoring the grazed knuckles that I discovered the next day it felt really good. This morning however I thought I would spare the trees, and simply walk instead. I put Infected Mushroom on so loud my ear drums protested and stomped along the beach. Occasionally bellowing nonsensical things along with the music, which I tried to do while there was no one within earshot. I hope I was successful. It was fun and somewhere along the way the tune changed. I’m no longer rocking along to an Israeli trance band and am now favouring a slightly more melodic tune.
There are a variety of these powerful bad boy emotions and some like guilt I don’t think you need to embrace. That baby you need to forgive but that’s a story for another day. Sadness however, well sometimes I just like feeling sad. Sadness – without sounding too depressing – is a sport best done alone. I have a bath or put on sad movies often coupled with red wine or chocolate (usually both), have a really awesome cry, go to bed and wake up feeling so much better. It’s slightly indulgent but I enjoy crying, I think that must be why I do it all the time, you know while listening to music, watching adverts or people at the airport. I also find it almost impossible to have any form of serious conversation without crying. I am just ridiculously sensitive, a rather endearing trait. Once I cried for an entire four hour car journey because I had an argument with my sister over $20. So I guess what I’m getting at is when I’m sad I cry. It makes me feel better and that’s what creates a shift.
It’s about finding your own style of release. I feel it is important to note that I’m not saying keep these emotions around forever, just sometimes you need to hold space for whatever it may be. Acknowledge that right now this is how you are and you might just find it loosens its hold. Can’t you just feel the weight lift of your chest?
