Wight Live Fashion

Holding Space

August 22, 2011

Words by Jess

I woke up angry today, super angry. I’m not sure if you know that anger where you just want to throw a brick through a window, it’s like that. Some days, and I really I don’t know why my emotions run a little hot and cold, it just happens. Do I really want to spend an entire day feeling this way? No not really but I also don’t want to push it away as there must be a pretty good reason it’s here. There are no thoughts involved, more of a heavy uneasy feeling. Sometimes these big emotions just come and gatecrash the party. For me there’s often not a reason, well there probably is I’m just not sure what it is.  Maybe it’s because it’s a full moon, or a Monday or the morning, but rather than waste time trying to figure it out I am going to say hello, ask it in for coffee, then send it on its way.

I’ve found the best thing for me when I’m angry, is it to move. I get up, put on whatever happens to be lying on the floor making up for what’s not there with various parts of my pyjamas, grab my ipod and head out the door. Sometimes I will go to a combat class, pretending to punch things helps. A few years ago after several bottles of wine, a friend and I in a rather aggrieved state punched some trees in the centre of Wellington. Ignoring the grazed knuckles that I discovered the next day it felt really good.  This morning however I thought I would spare the trees, and simply walk instead. I put Infected Mushroom on so loud my ear drums protested and stomped along the beach. Occasionally bellowing nonsensical things along with the music, which I tried to do while there was no one within earshot. I hope I was successful. It was fun and somewhere along the way the tune changed. I’m no longer rocking along to an Israeli trance band and am now favouring a slightly more melodic tune.

There are a variety of these powerful bad boy emotions and some like guilt I don’t think you need to embrace. That baby you need to forgive but that’s a story for another day. Sadness however, well sometimes I just like feeling sad. Sadness – without sounding too depressing – is a sport best done alone. I have a bath or put on sad movies often coupled with red wine or chocolate (usually both), have a really awesome cry, go to bed and wake up feeling so much better. It’s slightly indulgent but I enjoy crying, I think that must be why I do it all the time, you know while listening to music, watching adverts or people at the airport. I also find it almost impossible to have any form of serious conversation without crying. I am just ridiculously sensitive, a rather endearing trait. Once I cried for an entire four hour car journey because I had an argument with my sister over $20. So I guess what I’m getting at is when I’m sad I cry. It makes me feel better and that’s what creates a shift.

It’s about finding your own style of release. I feel it is important to note that I’m not saying keep these emotions around forever, just sometimes you need to hold space for whatever it may be.  Acknowledge that right now this is how you are and you might just find it loosens its hold. Can’t you just feel the weight lift of your chest?

Ignoring the Voices

August 14, 2011

Words by Jess

Clear the clutter and new opportunities shall arise, absolutely I wholeheartedly agree. Easier said than done however, so how do you let go to make the room? Ex partners, piranha style preying thoughts, an old habit that may once have served its purpose but now just creates an uneasy mess in your life, these emotions can feel like a prison at times. It’s my head though so get on board brain because I’m merging fear with love.

I still dream about my exes, not all, just one in particular really, not in a soppy gee I wish we were still together way, but my subconscious does seem to enjoy haunting my dreams with his image. Does this mean I haven’t let the relationship go? And what does that say for any future relationships? A friend who also happens to be a counsellor told me it’s because subconsciously I worry for his safety, which is probably true. I’m going to roll with that. Do your worst dreams. I may wake up in a beastly mess, sheets tangled, cold sweat, heart pounding, you get the picture. But then I get to thank the gods that it’s not real. Big grins all round.

It’s not just the past loves that hang around in my head, but the things I’ve said and done. These disturbing thoughts pop up at the oddest moments, I’ll be at the supermarket and my brain will say ‘remember how you behaved when this or that happened,’ in its annoyingly domineering tone. Its naughty my mind, always playing tricks, bringing up things from the past.  That’s the thing, its past. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I’m over this self flagellation.  So why oh why you little monkey are you making me think these annoying thoughts? It’s tempting to push it down, when I do that however it just comes up again. So I will listen but I’m not going to let it influence me now. Seriously I know where I am and where I’m going, stop trying to scare me into stagnation.

Habits that won’t die probably get to me the most. Repeating adverse patterns like having a cigarette even though I have theoretically quit. I think once upon a time I needed these issues, ailments and addictions, we all do, its protection. Once the threat or issue ceases to exist there is no need to hold onto it. Are you listening think tank? Tank is exactly what it is sometimes, stubborn and strong. Whatever, I’ve seen the movies, it might be hard but I know you can blow those babies up, I just need enough ammo. Better toughen up that army.

I always think about the concept of being good to yourself, while it can be hard it is so important. I can look in the mirror and tell myself I love myself in the style of Louise L Hay (check her out if you haven’t heard of her, this woman does amazing stuff), still that sneaky little trickster lurks at the back, waiting for a weak moment. Then bang, two steps forward, one back. Little by little I get better at it though and as long as it’s more forward than back, well that’s progress.

So I’m on a mission to leave the past where it belongs. Yes it’s constant and I don’t always enjoy it. Nevertheless I figure if I crowd in the good stuff, I’m crowding out the crap so it will have to go elsewhere because there’s no room in here. The good thoughts are so much nicer too, just got to let them have their power. I am aware that tomorrow something may happen to knock me a bit, but hey that’s life and anyway I’m a work in progress baby.

Where I Miss You

August 8, 2011

Hello lovely Wight readers, we have something new for you…my wonderful sister, Jess, is going to be gracing our pages with small pieces of her writing. She will be posting regularly so check in often to see what she has to say, I assure you it will be beautiful and thoughtful.

Enjoy Jess xx

(I can see her writing at a desk like this)

Where I Miss You
by Jessica

My flatmate said goodbye to her little sister last week who is off on a London adventure and it got me thinking about those sad goodbyes and how it feels to miss someone even when they’re not that far away. It’s never an easy task saying goodbye,  from the heart wrenching sobs at the airport, wondering how many years it might be, to the sad wave as you watch someone head off down the driveway, back home to their city after an epic weekend together. For a while after, you might have a few tears or ignore the world with a good book or a glass of wine. Then the sadness softly fades and gives way to an odd little feeling that tugs on your heart every once in a while, prompting you to pick up the phone or send that long overdue email.

I live in a town in the middle of nowhere New Zealand. While the scenery is beautiful, there is not much going on here. A lot of the time I like my peace and quiet, this town is good for that. Nobody knows me and I can keep to myself. It’s perfect for long meditative walks in the forest or letting my body have the detox I know it needs. It has to be said however that I did not move here for the lifestyle but for a job, all in all a good move. But just sometimes and mainly on days like today, possibly because it is the weekend and so wintertime frosty you need a little laughter, I miss those I love.

Moving and travelling is what sets my heart alight, so there have been periods in my life where I have not seen old friends or family for several years. I always wonder how they are though, and send out little messages to the universe that their lives be sunshine and sweet. And then when we see each other again after a week or a year or more, it is always like nothing has changed. Every, single, time. Man I think that’s awesome.

So now I live in a town that is less than three hours from some of my closest friends, and only slightly more to each of my beautiful sisters. I still only get to see them a few times a year, which makes me sad, especially when we are so close. But when we are together, it rocks, every, single, time.

Before I started my day I wanted to sit here and give some time to missing you. While I cannot see or touch you now, the thought of you brings a smile to my face. I think Kate Mansfield sums it up best in the beautiful way that only she can, ‘this is not a letter, but my arms around you for a brief moment.’